Proud ...

The past 2 months, Ive come to really examine myself and what I have come to realize is there are many people who have come into my life who I was trying to make proud of me. Proud of my work(job wise and in being taught), who I was, my achievements etc ... I only wanted them to be proud of me. It was important to me and I messed up.

So much so, I lost some friends who were dear to me and individuals who I admired and looked up to.

I believe this is how I lost many of my jobs, relationships and friends who have come into my life. Why you may inquire?

Well, I was trying too hard to impress upon them how well I could do things or what knowledge I did gain and in turn I messed up in the process. Instead of flowing and allowing my talents to show them selves I would push and push to take LARGE steps instead of tiny steps.

I was afraid to mess up. Or to give the wrong information and putting so much pressure on myself. Which failed completely! This is one reason I repeat what has been taught to me. I do not want to give out incorrect information.

With friends, I wanted them to be proud of me. To like me. Again, I should have been flowing with the waves and just being. Allowing the friendship to bud and bloom.

I still have yet to figure out where this is stemming from, but I think it started with my parents, or a teacher or perhaps my first job. I'm still figuring this part out.

I remember being told I was a part of something, but I was trying too hard. I didnt see it till it was too late.

I was just trying to make them all proud, I hope they know that. I hope you all know that.

I understand better today than I did 8 months ago. Half the battle is figuring out where it stems from and then changing it. At least I am aware of it now.

From here on out ... flow and only flow ...